You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
