Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
