I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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