GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
