Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
