i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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