you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
ttyl tear gas
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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