So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
