I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
