I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize