While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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