trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
