Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
