i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
