Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
