I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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