I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
