We won't sleep together?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
