This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
