Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
