I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
