i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
