yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
