Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this just has baby written all over it
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize