At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
