ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
