i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
