I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
