My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
