Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think my fart just growled at me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
