Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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