Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
