I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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