I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ketchup is God's man juice
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
