I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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