So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
