I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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