i jhust puked up my retainher.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize