love makes seman taste better
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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