I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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