seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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