Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
