why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
