I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize