I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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