Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
