onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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