nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
