remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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