I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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