I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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