I cockslap morals
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
whose parrot is this?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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