im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
