my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
