What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
