I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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