I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
