if you like me you must not know who I am
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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