Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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